It's been a while..Really..Looking at the date of my last post, October 2006??. That's really long ago. That was just 7 months just as i entered army then. Well that's just secondary to wat i'm going to blog about todae.

Like the title suggests, and by now u should have guessed. I wouldnt have come to blog if there wasnt anything which triggered my thoughts. This post shall be different from all my other posts long time ago. And yea..It's dedicated to my girlfriend..Dun even noe if she'll even see this but yea..I'll be typing all my thoughts and feeling abt our recent situation.

We knew each other when we were 14 yrs old, at a chinese camp organised in my sec sch then. Still remember then, we used to call each other's home looking for each other for phone chats cos back then handphones were still not widely populated. U could say we were from different worlds actually. She was in a prestigious sch, I was in a neighbourhood/gangster sch. She reads a lot of books, I play a lot of basketball. We didn't become a couple in sec sch but I did keep in contact thru phone/msn etc with her here and there thru out the years, randomly asking abt how's she's doing or how's life recently even how's her relationship with her previous bf just out of concern.

Even in sec sch days, my frens ard me created scandals abt me and her alrdy which many a times i thought would we really or rather could we really even go steady ever with her being so different from me?? Answer: No. I told myself, eugene come on dun be crazy who are u to even think abt being with her, simply said I was like the toad and she was like the swan. She's a good student, wat abt u?? Ur grades are so so, u dun look good, u practical have nothing to impress her with other than perhaps basketball?? So yea snap back to reality boy, just be frens and that will be good enough that was wat I thought so then.

JC days we still had contact. A coincidence was that she knew one of my close primary sch fren or rather kindergarten fren, Kelvin. I was having regular drumming lessons every tuesday after sch at plaza singapura then. Something unexpected happened then. Kelvin whom i told i was having the tuesday lessons then, initiated a meeting with me bringing together with him my now gf as they were ard the area. I thought the meeting may just turn out to be weird/awkward cos it had been a long time since i saw her and of course i did think if we would even be able to talk. Unexpectedly, the meeting went on smoothly, I was able to talk, relate and chat with kelvin and her face to face very naturally. Something which was hard for me as i always had problems speaking to girls. Yea i was glad we were still able to talk.

There came Army time, something all guys in Singapore must go thru. Being in Army, meant i onli had weekends to myself, meaning sat and sun cos friday we had to stay in most of the time due to training. It onli worsened in command sch. It became better onli after i commissioned. I had a little more time for myself. And yea we did keep in contact here and there. One day i was randomly chatting with her again, so i randomly told her if there's a chance, I'll take her out for breakfast. And Yep, wat originally was really a random comment, became true action when i decided to ask her to come out for breakfast a few days later. My thinking at that point of time was, aiya it's just breakfast onli, catch up a little nothing else and of course no harm. Something which till this day i'm glad i asked and i have not regretted.

And so, we went for breakfast, me being the dumb boy as i am, have always thought the hot chocolate drink which she ordered to be really sort of like "melted chocolate fudge" kind of thing. I told her that and she laughed, then gave me a smile. But i could tell she wasnt laughing at my stupidity, it was more like i just told her a joke. And yea i appreciated that. It didnt make me feel dumb but rather i felt i could really be myself ard her. So that morning after having breakfast with her, I returned home feeling great. Deep down inside i knew i wanted more of this meetings with her. I smsed her asking her how was todae's breakfast etc. She replied she felt the same way too. Which to me was a good sign even as a friend, it was good enough for me.

So as the days went by with more sms and calls, I felt a feeling which i have not felt for a long time since sec sch days or even JC days. Back then, definitely there were pretty girls ard, but yea for me it was more of just admiring them without action. This time it was different, i felt a rush to tell her how i really felt but definitely i was scared, scared that i would scare her away, and that we'll never even be friends again. Still remember it was Thursday, 19 April 2007. So i thought to myself, let's wait for saturday to come. I'll ask her out and i'll tell her face to face how i feel. Then again another thought came across my mind, wat if i decided to back out on sat??. Man, wat shld i do, shld i just ask thru sms? It would seem a bit non romantic/impolite but i knew i just couldnt wait for the weekend anymore. The feeling was so strong that i decided to just go for it. So i tested the water a bit and went for the dive. I feared, i panicked, i threw the phone on my friend's bed and awaited patiently for her answer. I knew it was do or die. Answer came seconds later, she agreed. I jumped, in my boots yea. Can imagine how dumb looking it is but yea i jumped.

We went out as a couple on the sat itself, I was confused, didnt know wat to do exactly. We took the mrt. Shld i hold her hand, wat if the other ppl see and stare at us, wouldnt it be awkward, all these questions were running thru my head. This was practically our first date. When we alighted at outram, i told her i'm feeling awkward cos i dun noe whether to hold ur hand or not. She smiled and grabbed my hand. It was the first time i felt so different walking the NEL tunnel. With a special someone. With her.

Roughly on our 1st month together, she would be flying to france for one month on exchange programme, I told myself, one month's gonna past real quick, in a blink of an eye. So yea take it easy boy. I sent her to airport that night, surprisely, we did not cry, something which surprised her that i did not cry. So yep she went in and i went home, read the package that she gave me. She had a diary for me, a forecast diary i would say, a day a page for one month to keep me company in her absence. I was really touched. And then i decided i would reciprocate by writing my everyday activites/feelings a day a page for her to read when she comes back. And i went to sleep. On the next working day, i was in camp doing some map planning exercise. First time, i felt weird, i realised i couldnt msg but was waiting for her arrival msg to know at least she's safe. First few days were seriously hard, writing the diary was one thing which kept me going, something i looked forward to everynight before i slept. I did get excited to just read wat she would be doing on that day. Then came the webcam and surprise calls from her. Made me even more in love. That was the first time i realise webcam actually does have its use. I was just happy to see and hear her thru webcam although she couldnt see me. Nearing her return date, i was counting the days in fact. Cant wait for her to be back.

Back from france, we spent more time together as i had leaves/offs to clear. We did go for breakfast, lunch, dinner, movies, shopping, etc. Talked about life, relationships, future, a lot of stuff. Looked forward to every meeting with her be it a simple dinner, a sumptuous meal or a special destination i looked up specially to bring her. Being a happy man i started talking to my frens, one can have a gf still although he's in army because previously i had been saying how impossible it is for a serviceman to have a gf and all due to time and space constraint. I was wrong. Who knew love will come when u least expected it.

Yea and with that i ORDed march, i relaxed for a full month b4 i looked for a job, I spent more time with her. Enjoyed every moment with her at every place. Then i got myself a job in april..worked daily but we still met up before her professional attachment began where her schedule got tighter. She started mentioning guys who are nice ppl in games, office, etc. I often replied that's good ah, truthly. Never thinking about wat may happen between them cos i know she loves me as much as i do. Over-confidence i guess?

So after the long narration we're at the end part soon. Now, we are in cool down status, we've been together for 1 yr 2mths. And i guess this is our first real trial. I began reading her archive in her blog which dates back to Jan 2007. And i realised, along the way she made some sacrifices like for my breakfasts, sleeping late but had to wake up early for our date. Thought of her surprise visits to the void deck of my house to keep me company when i was feeling low or sick. DID I DO ANY OF THAT?? I asked myself. After reading the archive and after the brothers' heart to heart talk after a long time, I found out that me being me, i was insensitive. It's one of my worst bad point. I thought back, sometimes when she told me stuff, i would just forget it after a short while or u could say i just didn't make an effort to go remember the details, this sometimes pisses her off i guess. Of course there are many other bad points. After reading her archive i thought about a lot of things, my actions and hers. Being a student she had to juggle studies, family, friends, work and me while i was just taking life as it is. Was it really right?And now that this happened, I take it as a chance to reflect on myself, whether am i the really good bf that i thought i was. It's hard to me to say all this, cos we're alrdy in this situation and that's not going to change until u decide. But wat i wanna say is dear, even if i do get dumped eventually, I would wan u to be happy. As i thought of how we met, how we got to know each other, how our paths actually crossed and how we eventually got together, it gets to me. It hurts, definitely, but i rather it hurt for me than it hurt for u. And i think u alrdy know this, that the last thing i would wan is a break up. But eventually u'll need to make a choice. So when u have decided just let me know ya, no worries i can take it k?

It wasnt easy to write this entry, 2hrs+? And YES, i cried while thinking back and typing, it has been 8yrs since i really, truthfully cried. Call me a wimp, but i'm not ashamed for i had a real reason to do so.

Labels: relationship